Worrying about the future is kind of my thing. It always has been, since I was old enough to read the Worst Case Scenario Handbooks. Even though it was highly unlikely I’d need to fight an alligator, it felt worth planning ahead.
I thought worry was a preventative measure. The more I worried, the more I protected myself. Somehow, by envisioning the worst thing happening, I prevented it.
This really ramped up during COVID. I went into every situation fully expecting to get sick. And somehow, I didn’t. I was too afraid to stop the anxiety — because I thought I’d be allowing the plague to catch me. That’s not wisdom. That’s magical thinking. But I wore it like yet another mask to protect myself.
The inability to stay present hurt me more than I’d like to admit. In competition, my ADHD mind would bound ahead into the program, and I’d make a silly mistake. By anticipating future moves, I was sabotaging present ones.
In life, I became more negative. More cynical. It felt safer to expect the worst than to dream. This way, I won’t be disappointed, I’d tell myself. But that wasn’t wisdom either. It was fear — dressed up as intelligence.
The other night, I was spiraling. Less than $300 in my checking account. My career. My article views. My mom’s health. Everything.
Then I put in a load of laundry, and something my mom always says hit me.
Right now, you’re ok.
It was obvious. Right in front of me. Right now, I am fine. Maybe I wouldn’t be tomorrow, but I couldn’t see that far, and I didn’t have ultimate control over it anyway. I had a place to live, people who loved me, food, and a town that people pay thousands to visit. As I ran through the list, the spiral loosened.
I thought of that scene in Wayne’s World — Wayne staring at the guitar he can’t afford, saying one day it will be mine. And Garth, already back in the car, yelling: Live in the now.
Garth was onto something.
The future will ask something of you when it gets here. Right now, it’s just laundry.
live in the now 🙌 i loved this read. it felt so grounding. the future is something that’s easy to be anxious about but right now we are okay :)